Not Today

by Stephen Measure

Alone in a hotel. Hours before I sleep.
you are alone
My laptop is on. The world is connected.
you want something
And I know how good it feels while I am looking.
no one would know
Beautiful women doing—anything, everything.
their eyes can't see
Waiting there always just keystrokes away.
you know it's there
And other men want it, and other men taste it.
you want to look
So many would laugh to know I resist.
you are alone
No—the mocking of fools—I won't let that sway me.
you want something
Do other men think of them only as meat?
their eyes can't see
No, I won't be that man. No, I won't be that husband.
Owing her a confession—no, never again.
she need not know
For I know how bad it feels once I have finished.
you are alone
A feeling so empty when I am done.
you want to look
But I feel the want, so have I forgotten?
no one would know
And should I look now to help me remember?
you need to look
No, I won't be that man, that father, that husband.
To owe a confession—no, never again!
she need not know
But I feel the pull; I can't fight this forever.
you are alone
So I've turned it all off. I have let the world go.
you want some—No,
I won't be that man. Please, no, don't be that man.
no one would—NO!
I won't! I won't. Not today.